The 10th episode extravaganza!

In which I talk about how you can’t get your needs met if you don’t tell anybody what they are. You wouldn’t think it would take 35 years to learn that, but here we are.

I also talk about the lowest bar “betting on yourself” situation there has ever been, betting that other people won’t reject your basic personhood. I talk about how it’s hard to tell the difference between pity and disgust, at least for me, maybe not for others.

I talk about I don’t wanna fail for lack of trying, and then I talk about how I don’t want people to see me talking. Those are two thoughts that I unbelievably have back to back.

I do a false promo for the guest episode that wasn’t to be, although that still may happen next week, we shall see.

Another Merkmal of this episode is that it features the most instances of forgetting that she is recording that a podcast host has ever done.

I laugh at myself for my incredibly low threshold for calling something a big pain, which seems to just be a way of externalizing anxiety. Whether or why that makes it easier to deal with is still an open question.

And I double back to how I don’t wanna fail for lack of trying, but how conflicts with the fact that my least favorite thing in the world is closing off possibilities. Even now I haven’t fully come to terms with the basic inevitable idea that it’s an unavoidable part of life that there are many avenues you never get to explore. I don’t know how other people experience this, but I’d like to.